The Weekender: Won’t somebody please think of the children?

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August 17, 2009

Welcome back to the Weekender, the Yahoo! Sports’ Blogs weekly roundup, where we take you through the back alleys and dirt roads of sport. Today, we start with children, because they’re our future … or something like that.

It’s Father’s Day on Sunday, and you can’t be a father without having kids. I’m pretty sure it’s the law. And on this Father’s Day, we celebrate those who take good care of our kids. No, not their parents! Coaches and pro athletes!

Let’s start in South Florida, where absolutely nothing athletically improper happens ever. An assistant football coach was recently arrested on drug and gun possession charges, which was bad. He reportedly dropped both cocaine and marijuana into a cop car, which was really bad. And he was riding in a car driven by the starting quarterback on his school’s team. Now that’s an out-of-the-box coaching technique, to be sure. But hey, if the kid can outrun a police dragnet, a high school defense should be cake. [South Florida.com]

And if there’s some good news in that South Florida story, it’s that at least the quarterback didn’t die. A young soccer player at a Des Moines high school wasn’t so lucky, her heart going into cardiac arrest at a soccer game. Amazingly, though, her story didn’t end there - she recovered from death itself, thanks in part to an assistant coach performing CPR until the paramedics arrived. Good news: she’s healthy. Bad news: she doesn’t remember anything about the Great Beyond. [Des Moines Register]

One guy who’s now got his eye on the children, financially speaking, is Olympian Michael Phelps, who’s written a brand-new children’s book. The book, entitled "How to Train with a T. Rex and Win 8 Gold Medals," starts out unbelievably well before some unexplained detours into a philosophical discussion of Why We’re Here and, strangely, a review of a Phish concert from 2004. Even so, the book is over faster than you could possibly expect. [Baltimore Sun]

Happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there. Now keep an eye on your kids, willya? You don’t want some of the following folks raising them …

List of the week: The best drunken athletes in history
There’s nothing finer than a cold beer on a summer’s day at the ballpark. And yet, did you know that the Cincinnati Reds were once kicked out of the National League for selling beer? Okay, they were still known as the "Red Stockings," and this was 1881, but still. This week, Modern Drunkard brings us a stunningly in-depth collection of tales of alcohol and ballplayers. Also included: a ranking of some of history’s greatest drinking players (or playing drinkers, whichever), including Ken Stabler, Rube Waddell and former Redskin John Riggins, who was reportedly once so hung over that he missed the team bus to the NFC Championship game and had to hitchhike. Role models, kids! [Modern Drunkard]

Video of the week: Why, who knew college kids could be rowdy?
From the department of What Did You Expect comes this story of Arkansas news reporter Mike Irwin, who decides to do a story on crazed Razorback fans … while standing in the middle of a crowd of these same lunatics. Yeah, you can probably guess what happened next …

Probably best for Mike’s career prospects that the sound went out when it did. Remember, kids, use caution around old reporters — they look tame, but they can gum the heck out of your arm. [Awful Announcing]

Photo of the week: The sublime joy that is Wrigley Field in summertime

Ah, Wrigley Field, with your verdant expanses of green, your solemn waves of ivy, your … your horribly filth-stained bleachers. What in the name of Ernie Banks are you Chicagoans doing in those stands, huh? (Actually, based on this Deadspin takedown, I’ve got a pretty good idea. Not for the fainthearted, that link.) Demolish Wrigley, build another one just like it, then knock that one down too, just for good measure. [Home Run Derby] Runner-up: A dual horse-rider face plant. Ouch.

Job listing of the week: London’s Olympic meteorologist
Predicting rain, fog and generally miserable weather in London is about as tough as predicting what Tiger Woods will wear on a Sunday. Even so, the organizers of the London Olympics are desperately seeking meteorologists to help them figure where it will be most foggy, rainy and nasty during the 2012 games. London officials have said they won’t commit crimes against nature, as Beijing did by shooting silver iodide into the clouds, but they promise to fight the clouds on the seas and oceans, on the beaches, in the fields and streets, and never surrender. Until the tea runs out. [London Daily Telegraph]

Smackdown of the week: No more grunting for the ladies’ tennis circuit?
When female tennis players first started grunting with every shot, it was a quirky, fascinating — dare I say alluring — sidelight to the game. (Howard Stern once played a game asking listeners to identify whether a grunt came from Monica Seles walloping a backhand or … or a young lady engaged in other activities, let’s put it that way.) But before long, the grunting - which now sounds like somebody’s getting a kidney removed without anesthesia - quickly became a tremendous annoyance, both to fans and to opposing players. (Maria Sharapova’s grunts measure an earsplitting 101 decibels.) As a result, tennis officials are now considering fiercer punishment for the grunters, including forfeiture of the game or the match. And that would be something to howl about. [Gunaxin]

Brain cramps of the week: It ain’t over till it’s over
One final lesson we’ll leave you dads and kids with — always remember to close the deal. Just ask Julian Simon, who was cruising to victory in a Moto GP race and raised his hands in victory — only to realize he still had a lap to go. He ended up fourth. And the Cubs’ Milton Bradley recently forgot that a baseball inning involves three outs, not two, and tossed a fly ball he caught into the stands with only two outs. Remember, dads, it’s up to you to teach your kids to count to three. [Yahoo! Sports UK, Sports Rubbish]

Jay Busbee is the editor of Yahoo! Sports’ NASCAR blog From the Marbles and golf blog Devil Ball. Write him with links/tips for future Weekenders at jay.busbee@yahoo.com and follow him on Twitter.